damn_msberry

I’m Angry, more than angry. Disgusted. after a dad at school confessed to “falling” for me. ‘Great’ you think, in any other circumstance it probably would be. He’s married. Married with 2 kids and has been for 10yrs …

Its caused nothing but awkwardness, well not just awkwardness but more an unsettling feeling. He’s become very ‘attached’ from waiting for me after school even though I’m busy an have to be somewhere … Like working! to the extent he is bringing his kids to the park outside my house.

Normal behaviour until you realise he lives miles away and its a trek to get there. Its bordering on stalker like behaviour and ruined any potential friendship my son had with his kids - they are in the same class and now feel I can’t invite sons friends over because its giving this guy an invite to my home :(

You can imagine I’ve already had tears from son. He wants his friend to visit again and I can’t really explain why.

It wouldn’t be so bad, tolerable even with a polite “fuck off I’m not interested”… yet the guy is married.

I’ve told him straight I’m not interested, there is ZERO attraction from my side. Even if there were… I’d not go there.

I just don’t get it!! Why would someone do this? Am I that kind of a girl that I look like I’d be complicit in an act of adultery?

Do you, you stupid, stupid man not realise what you are doing?? Yeah you may feel great for doing it, for getting it off your chest but what about those of us who still have some darn morals?!

Stupidselfishcuntingprick! This is far from flattery. You’ve made life not only uncomfortable for me but also hurting my son and your own children in a way that never crossed you mind.

Not to mention all the hurt you will cause your wife when she finds out you no longer love her and confessed you feelings to another woman. I will not be that other woman. Do not ever put me in such a situation. It is unfair. Cruel. Hurtful to everyone involved.

Most of this probably doesn’t make much sense. You probably think I’m being over dramatic. I’m just ranting, angry. Being a child from a home ripped apart by alcohol and serial adultery will explain a lot. I just need to get it off my chest.

20 things about me…..

1- I’m a sagittarius, not that it means anything but there we go.

2- I once played josephs brother in “joseph and his amazing technicolour dreamcoat”

3- I don’t know my father

4- the first instrument I learned to play was the recorder. I now play piano, bass,guitar and clarinet … Badly mind.

5- I was obsessed by Pratchett at age 10 I’ve not put a book down since.

6- A nightmare on elm street still gives me the heebie jeebies since watching it late at night aged 9 - I blame my step-dad. Still traumatised!

7- the first art competition I ever won involved a garish pink certificate and my picture going in a newsletter. fame!

8- the first film I ever saw at the Cinema was ‘the secret garden’ in 1993(I think!). My gran bought me the book to read before I went. I still have it.

9- my birthday always involved a trip to the theatre to see peter pan (as it was xmas) or the wind in the willows. I haven’t been for years and miss it terribly.

10- I spend a lot of my time with mud under my nails, lay in long grass watching the clouds. Bliss.

11- I am the eldest child yet all my siblings are half-siblings.

12- I left home at 15. mother moved up north without me. I moved in with a friend.

13- I had my first place at 17. It was a dive, I was happy. It was mine.

14- I was a complete nerd and capable of passing GCSE maths and science with a B in year 7.

15- I collect tea cups and mugs. They must be usable and pretty!

16- I still write letters, with a fountain pen. Sometimes with the pen my grandparents bought me years ago. Its green and gold and stupidly heavy.

17- I appreciate a good game of scrabble.

18- I knit, crochet, sew and generally make stuff. If I’m not making something you can be certain I’m either sick or angry.

19- I am a mother

20- I fall in love to easily, laugh far too much and mostly never fight hard enough for the things and the people I really should.

Those annoying moments where you feel you’ve taken 3 steps forward yet fell through a crack and slipped right back to the start with no rope to catch you. That.

You brush yourself off, wonder why, then carry on with your head held as high as the pressures of life allow.

Dating update …

I can confirm, after 10 days I’ve already had 7 offers for sex, 4 guys after a woman to have their babies - sorry guys wrong girl! 1 complete weirdo - blocked and several rejects as the guys couldn’t even fully utilise the qwerty. I like my words to have vowels thanks!

Expect the worst, hope for the best and all that clichéd crap.

This much I know …

We all go through periods of reflection. We step back to assess our lives, the direction we are heading, those people we want to hold onto with both hands, curl up with and keep close and those people we want to let go, to watch as they drift away lifting a weight from off our shoulders.

Everyone helps to shape who we are. What makes us smile, what makes us cry. Yet how well do we really know ourselves? The things that make us really laugh or tear us apart inside.

I honestly haven’t known who I am for quite a long time. Shaping myself to fit another. Tearing off parts of myself to fit their mould. Hiding who I am to save their egos. For years it quashed my confidence, my creativity and its only now I’ve regained a semblance of the person I really am.

So far, this is what I know …

… I’m 27 and a mother
… I love to create.
… I’m from a seriously broken family filled with misfits and addicts, my upbringing was far from perfect yet I wouldn’t change it.
… I’m resilient, determined and thoroughly flawed
… The sun makes me smile and I couldn’t live without caffeine
… I laugh far more than I cry
… I’ve already been through the hardest thing anyone should ever have to deal with
… I’m still smiling

Coffee

I love coffee, absolutely adore it. This time last year I had very different views. I loathed it. Couldn’t stand it. I have no idea what has changed. The only thing I’m certain of, I’m now regularly queueing up at whatever chain coffee shop is closest for my morning coffee fix.

Unless its a wednesday. Those mornings are set aside for a quiet little coffee shop by the harbour. I grab a large latte and curl up in the corner with a book. My own scheduled “me time”. Its pure bliss!

Its rarely polluted by the yummy mummies and their tank sized pushchairs ‘its all about branding, darling’. Only the best grande soy latte will grace the parent trays the cup, branded with the current ‘on trend’ coffee shop logo.

I am a regular, as much a part of the furniture on a wednesday morning as the old lady with a thick woollen cardi who always leaves a 50p tip on her saucer. She always sits at the same table, watching the world go by. in a few short weeks our bliss will be interrupted as the tourists begin to flock. The foreign exchange students file in with abandon, desperate to wrap their fingers around a hot mug after being caught short in yet another typical british downpour. Their chatter fills the once quiet shop. Coffee mugs dropped down on tables, forks clattering on crumb covered plates.

I’ll finish off my last mouthful, tuck the bookmark back into my book and prepare to leave, just as I always do. Hoping next week everything will be just as it is.

The joys of dating ….

“So here I am!” I begin, “not sure what to write… ” cliché! I scream at myself deleting the sentence. I stare at the blank box trying to decide what to write. Its difficult, a lot harder than I first thought.

I’m supposed to make myself sound intelligent, witty and down to earth yet all I seem to be able to come up with are the exact same things as everyone else. Its like the Ikea version of profile writing. We’ve all hit the catalogue, selected out choice phrases and pasted them in, an identikit piece about ourselves, so overwhelmingly unique we all look a similar shade of beige.

I try again wondering if there are a few tales I could tell. Situations to make myself stand out from the rest. I’ve done some pretty dumb shit in my time, like the time I flipped a fork lift or camping on the moors with nothing but a bivvy and bottle of vodka. They all make me sound like a crazy drunk!

Then I go back and begin writing again “loves to read” not sure if I should add the part about my love affair with zombies and trashy fiction. Everyone seems to love the classics, shakespeare, hemingway, dan brown… Dan fucking brown? honestly!?

“Enjoys socialising” side-stepping the ‘mostly on twitter part’ and how I’m almost… Mostly, addicted.

“Enjoys long walks in the country” …because I do them alone to save my sanity!

“Loves the outdoors” doesn’t everybody these days? Its the number 1 thing people write on a dating profile. A way of making ourselves sound interesting when really the closest some of us get is lazily watching countryfile on a sunday night!

“Loves movies” skipping the part where I fall asleep 30 minutes in dribbling on my own shoulder waking just as the credits roll asking what happened.

I scrap that lot. Staring once again at a blank screen. How do you sell yourself without resorting to clichés? ten photographs that scream ‘hey I travel!’ Yet you look as pissed as granny after eating her brandy laced trifle on xmas day because she couldn’t remember whether to add 1floz or 10!

You avoid the ones of you basking in the delights of the real ale festival, beer bottle in hand looking flushed (read sozzled) and pulling a dorky cross eyed grin. The forced smiles at family gatherings and the customary adventure shot of you up a mountain/by a river/skiing.

You bypass the ones from 4yrs ago, the ones where you look miserable, the ones with your face covered with a camera even though your desperate to add a “me at work” caption, knowing full well you’ll sound ridiculous!

So where do I start? What should my opening line be to sell myself to the guys out there who aren’t sure whether or not they want to buy me a drink?

I think about it for a while, take time off to write. Put together this attempt at ‘writing’, a bedraggled effort to organise my thoughts and come to only one conclusion. maybe this is what I need to put?